


you're not a sad story / you're alive

by antpelts



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Alcohol, Alternate Universe - No Squips (Be More Chill), Angst, Bullying, Drugs, Fights, High School, Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Perks of Being A Wallflower AU, Pining, Secret Crush, Secret Relationship, Suicidal Thoughts, Teen Angst, kind of
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-24
Updated: 2020-04-24
Packaged: 2021-03-02 00:28:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,925
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23746102
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/antpelts/pseuds/antpelts
Summary: High school sucked. Michael Mell was sure of this fact and it was only made worse when Jeremy started branching out. During senior year, of all times! Before he knew it everything was getting flipped on its head and he had no idea what to expect.
Relationships: (well see who else), Rich Goranski/Michael Mell
Comments: 4
Kudos: 14





	you're not a sad story / you're alive

**Author's Note:**

> so... kind of perks of being a wallflower au. i love the book and why not tbh. some plot points inspired by various parts of the book. michael and rich are kinda based on how patrick and brad were but it goes different.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here it is! one of the expensive headphones things ive had in the works ;p

_ August 10, 1992 _

_ Dear Me (?), _

_ They told me that this might help, writing to myself. I don’t know what it will really help. There’s things I just can’t change. These things are the hardest. These things are the things people don’t talk about. I can’t tell my mom how the affair puts a strain on me - it’s not like she can actually be with mama. No matter how much of a mama she is to me. I wish she could replace dad. Ugh. I can’t judge her though, I can’t get over a stupid football player. He’s so.. I don’t even know. He doesn’t even know who I am. If it weren’t so depressing I might think I love him. But how can you love someone like him when you’re like me? _

_ There’s so much more. Jeremy. I’m so mad but I’m also not. When we were apart it felt so horrible. He said it felt the same for him. So I forgave him, I’m trying to. Maybe for my sake. It will be okay I think. If he really still is a shitty friend I can just stop talking to him in college. I can transfer. I think it’ll be okay. I’m just going to give this my best shot. _

_ Michael _

* * *

Senior year. Whoo hoo. Etcetera, etcetera.

Michael had to remind himself that it  _ could  _ be worse - if it managed to be worse than junior year, though, he would eat his hat because there weren't many things that were worse than your supposed best friend abandoning you to drugs with the ‘it’ crowd for a few months before everything blew up in his face and he finally came crawling back. He didn’t even talk to the cool kids anymore! The most he’d won them was the ability to fly under the radar, the populars would look the other way instead of outright attacking them. It wasn’t the worst outcome but Jeremy had really fucked up getting there.

They were getting better.

At least until Jeremy decided to join drama, effectively filling up half of his free time now. He tried not to let it bother him too much. Codependency and all. They  _ were  _ getting better.

“Earth to Micah,” Jeremy’s voice finally drew him from his thoughts. He scrunched up his face a bit, curling his lip in that weird way he tended to - showing off his braces.

“What, man?” Michael huffed a bit, sliding down in his bean bag chair. Game over music kept playing faintly from the tv and he didn’t want to take yet another defeat today.

“I asked if you could drive me home? Gotta be back for dinner.”

* * *

It took Michael two weeks to agree to meet Christine, considering what happened the year before he wasn’t quite ready to trust Jeremy’s judgement. He finally caved because she was in drama and Jeremy had assured him that drama kids were better than popular kids. He supposed there was some merit to that so they met up next to the stands for the first football game of the year. Even if Michael would rather be anywhere else.

Though, he had to admit it was easy on the eyes. Football boys.. yeah. Good. Looked good. He shuffled his feet, clutching his paper boat and hotdog close to his chest. When he saw Jeremy jogging over with a short girl in tow he felt a bit more relaxed. At least he hadn’t been ditched. Again.

“Hi! I’m Christine,” she seemed to speak in exclamations, a toothy grin on her face as she skidded to a halt in front of Michael. Her hands were planted on her hips and she just smiled up at him. “You’re Michael!”

It was less of a question than a statement so he just nodded, taking a bite from his hotdog to give his brain time to catch up to her energy.

“I heard lots about you! You’re lucky to have a friend like Jerm, he cares about your opinion a lot.”

Michael bit back some remark about the year before, Christine didn’t need to be in the middle of it. She seemed.. nice. Despite all his qualms he couldn’t find anything that he had against her, at least off the bat.

“How sweet,” he glanced at Jeremy who looked a bit caught off guard and he couldn’t help but smile a bit. It  _ was  _ nice to hear he cared about his opinion. “Let’s see if we can’t find a seat, gotta get a good view, right?”

As soon as he said it he bit his tongue, he wasn’t used to being around new people. New people who didn’t know he liked boys, that is. At least it had been ambiguous enough because-

“Yeah!” Christine bounced a bit and lightly elbowed Michael, standing on her tiptoes to whisper to him. “The cheerleaders are the best part.”

Oh.

“Oh.” Michael faltered, clearing his throat and attempting to catch up with Christine’s humor, “well I’m partial to the football players.”

“We can cover for each other,” Christine giggled, hooking their arms together before glancing back at Jeremy. “Come on! Let’s sit.”

Michael couldn’t say it wasn’t a little comforting that Jeremy’s new friend was a lesbian - at least they wouldn’t start dating and ditch him.

* * *

“Who’s your favorite?” Christine grinned, whispering to Michael out of the corner of her mouth.

“Uh,” Michael’s voice cracked a bit and he rubbed at the back of his neck. “Don’t laugh.. Goranski.”

“Short boys, eh?” She poked at his side and Michael bit back a squeak. It was nice, he’d really underestimated the power of making a new friend. Maybe Jeremy could pick good ones sometimes. In some ways they were similar, maybe Jeremy had a friend type.

“Yeah, yeah. What about you?” He nodded in the direction of the cheerleaders, arching an eyebrow.

“Well, no one specific. Brooke is so cute but Jeremy called dibs.” Jeremy squeaked at that one, face heating up. “Jenna maybe, she’s on yearbook, she’s super cute too.”

“I d-didn’t like.. call dibs! The choice would be her’s if she made it. I j-just said I liked her!” Jeremy’s fumbling was drowned out by Christine’s giggling.

“Anyways.. hm. Brooke. Yes.” Michael nodded, humming as if he was in thought (though it was a bit exaggerated), causing Christine to let out a sharp laugh. She wiped at her eye, shoulders shaking with laughter, “you gotta admit they have nice aesthetics though.”

“I like the rough types, not the soft ones.” A whistle drew his attention down to the game and he scanned the field until he saw Rich jogging off of it, pulling his helmet off. The rough types, messy, burn scars, big shoulders. He couldn’t help the blush that spread over his cheeks.

“Oh my god,” Christine breathed it out with a wheezing laugh. “Watch it Romeo, staring a  _ bit  _ intensely, there.”

Michael gave a weak laugh and watched sympathy flash across her face. Jeremy never quite got it, sure he was a geek who was into a cheerleader but with Michael there was another layer. A layer that Christine had too. This was more than people they couldn’t have - these were people they could  _ never  _ have.

“I think I can see it,” Christine mused, humming softly. “Why you like him, that is.”

Michael bit his tongue, looking back down at the field. Rich’s hair was flat with sweat, when Jake gave him a heavy pat on his back he flashed a wide grin. While he was too far to see Michael knew the little tooth gap that was there. He was sure he had Rich’s face mapped out perfectly in his head.

“We’ll be alright,” Christine spoke softly, bumping their shoulders together. Jeremy even gave him a slight, sad smile. He tried to believe it.

* * *

“How’d you know?” Michael was very used to knowing things so Christine was great. He tended to observe, this led to a lot of backlogged facts about things and people. Not to mention that he was well versed when it came to Jeremy. They knew everything about each other. Christine was interesting.

She looked up, a fry hanging out of her mouth causing Jeremy to giggle from his spot next to Michael across the table from her.

“Oh!” Realization crossed her face and she paused, looking thoughtful as she finished her fry. “I pretended I didn’t for a while, you know? Tried to ignore it until I couldn’t.”

“Mhm,” Michael hummed, taking a sip of his milkshake. “Yeah.. I get that. The locker room was a big moment for me.”

Christine snorted at that.

“Don’t even get me started, I’ve seen so many pretty girls in bras, holy shit.”

“Man, I just gotta watch Brooke when we drive past cheerleading practice after school.”

“Tell us about her,” Christine leaned her chin on her hands. Michael just nodded along, it was nice to have a distraction. As it turns out Christine was just looking out for him because the door jingled as more people entered the diner. Football player kind of people. Rich.

They passed the table and Michael tried really hard to keep his eyes on Jeremy, not even registering his actual words from the effort. In the end he couldn’t help it, gaze briefly darting away.

Rich met his eyes. 

He didn’t stick up his nose.. he didn’t glare.. didn’t roll his eyes. He just _looked,_ there was a grin plastered on his face from something Jake was laughing about and it lingered. Nothing special. Still, Michael tried not to fall apart as he looked away, focusing on his melting milkshake.

All he had to do was graduate and get away.

When he felt himself calm down a bit he glanced up and saw Christine give him a sympathetic smile.

He only had to make it nine months.

* * *

_ August 24th, 1992 _

_ Dear Me, _

_ I keep thinking about it. Him. Rich. _

_ When he looked at me. _

_ He wasn’t smiling at me, he was just smiling but still.. it didn’t seem.. mean, the look in his eyes. He’s never really targeted me I guess. Even when he was bullying Jeremy I just happened to be there. He seems different. I guess I wouldn’t really know but ever since that whole drug thing blew up in their faces.. Rich seems different. He hasn’t bothered Jeremy. He hasn’t really been targeting anyone. _

_ I wonder if he changed. _

_ I wonder if that means anything. _

_ I see him at school, I see him in math class. It looks like he struggles with it and I want to help? I want to make him a mixtape. But I also just always want to make one, maybe that’s not a good judge. I want to kiss him. Really bad. I want to touch his face and his hair and find out about those burn scars on his arms. I don’t know why. I feel like he might be a boy I could love. _

_ It scares me. _

_ Michael _

* * *

“I’m glad we have this class together.” Michael jerked his head up when Christine spoke. They were sitting in his basement, doing some worksheet for their english class. “I’m not bad at the work but sitting down and reading is super hard.”

They worked out a system, they could each read half of a text and explain it to the other. Not only did it cut down on the workload but it also helped with retention.

“Yeah, I love Jer but it’s nice to have someone else to talk to. Besides, it keeps people off my back when they see me around you.”

“Oh my god, we can be each other’s beards!”

“Love ya, Chris but I don’t think I.. want to publicly ‘date’ anyone.” He remembered how Rich looked at him.. almost soft. When he saw her face fall at his reply he scrambled to make up for it. “I know I don’t really have a chance but.. still. If people are going to draw assumptions that’s fine. Seeing us around each other is enough help.”

Christine stuck out her pinkie finger, smiling slightly, “got each other’s gay backs?”

“Of course,” Michael couldn’t help but chuckle, linking his pinkie with her’s and giving them a slight shake.

It helped, having Christine around. Not only was she able to match his energy.. she helped Jeremy branch out in healthier ways that Michael just couldn’t. He was getting better at all the drama stuff - some nights the three would cram in Michael’s basement and he’d watch them recite lines to each other. It was always entertaining, and even more so when he was high. He couldn’t help but feel a little bad because every time he would lose it Christine would get super proud of any joke she made and Jeremy had to hold it together, knowing why Michael was laughing so much. It wasn’t that she wasn’t funny.. Michael was just a bit  _ looser  _ after smoking.

He wouldn’t be surprised if Christine knew, especially after being around her for the last few weeks. He wasn’t the best at hiding the smell, it was just one of those things people don’t really talk about. Besides, he was pretty sure if Christine did know she would accept that she couldn’t change his mind and just elect to not bring it up.

It still made for some pretty funny nights.

* * *

_ August 30th, 1992 _

_ Dear Me, _

_ Something happened. Rich got moved in math class. He sits right in front of me now. It’s harder to not just look at him the whole time. Thank god I’m alright at math. Distractions don’t help. _

_ I can’t stop looking over his shoulder during class. He’s.. not great at math. Up close I can see how he fidgets with his pencil, how he chews on the eraser, how he grips it so hard it could break when he doesn’t understand. I want to help him so fucking bad. _

_ Maybe I should talk about something else. I think he just stresses me out more sometimes. But everything stresses me out. _

_ Dad’s out of town so mom has mama over. Jeremy thinks it’s weird I call her mama and I asked him what I should call her then. She parents me more than dad does. He didn’t have a response for that. I guess I looked really upset because Christine just hugged me. And then Jeremy did too. _

_ We didn’t talk about it after that. _

_ Michael _

* * *

“Wait? So this car is actually yours? I thought it was your parents’!” Christine bounced excitedly as she climbed into Michael’s passenger seat. It was past midnight but they’d been planning this night for almost a week now. 

“Yeah, it’s great. Me and Jer do this a lot.” 

With the windows down Michael pulled away from the curb and started towards Jeremy’s house. Their last night of  _ summer.  _ Even if Michael had always been quick to remind Jeremy that summer actually ended in september. They still had done it every year since Michael could drive, steadily pushing the trip later into the night. It was more fun to drive around at one am than it was at ten pm. Christine later pointed out that technically it wasn’t even the last day of august anymore - it was september. Michael laughed for a solid 30 seconds when Jeremy stuttered through some sort of response.

In the interest of including Christine, Michael let her pick the music. Jeremy had squawked at that - Michael was very protective of his music and it usually took a month of back and forth between him and Jeremy to put together any new mixtapes including any new stuff Jeremy liked. 

Christine decided to grace them with some  _ Rocky Horror Picture Show _ and Michael was pleasantly surprised. 

They tore through backroads at speeds that made Jeremy nervous and Christine just unbuckled to lean her head out the window and just  _ yell.  _ Michael couldn’t help but smile and he let out his own shout. They cheered and yelled over music and soon enough they got Jeremy to join them. They drove until the air cooled down, kicking up gravel behind Michael’s cruiser. 

For once Michael felt truly  _ alive  _ and he never wanted it to end - they could make senior year good.

“I feel like I could do anything!” Christine shouted, leaning back into the car.

“Me too!”

“Ask Brooke out then!” Michael was calling back to Jeremy before he even realized he was talking. “Do it for us, your pining gay friends!”

Christine squealed with laughter, turning the music up a notch. She turned around in her seat to look at Jeremy now, reaching out to squish his cheeks. “At least talk to her! Don’t you have english with her? Or invite her to do the play!”

“I.. I. We’ll see!”

“No you gotta at least talk to her!” Michael didn’t know what washed over him but he couldn’t quit shouting. The wind pulled at his hair and whipped against his ears. He turned and saw Christine and he felt like he could cry. It wasn’t perfect but it was amazing. For once he really believed he could be happy with these people by his side. “For us?”

“For us?” Christine echoed, putting on a mock pout.

“I.. okay.”

“More conviction!” Michael called back to him.

“Okay!”

“What are you gonna do?” Christine let go of his face, still leaning in close.

“I’m gonna talk to Brooke!”

“He’s gonna talk to Brooke!” Michael and Christine shouted in unison.

Only then did Michael start on their loop back into town.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kudos and comments keep me goin <3


End file.
